Michael (lonelygayguy) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Quarter-Life Crisis

Hey y'all. :-)


I'm not gonna lie. I'm a tad drunk still, and maybe a little something-else. But I was writing randomly in a Word document, thinking inwardly about being successful with art, either music or writing -- though I think anyone that knows me would have to agree that, although music has consistently been a forte and gift of mine, my real passion is words. Which is mostly stupid, since I'm not nearly as great of a writer as I am a musician (IMHO).

But it doesn't matter much. I'm an introvert, I think a lot about the meaning of life, and the written word just has more immediate presence for me, I understand it in a way that I never understand composed, twenty-seven-track-combined musical scores. They don't make sense to me. But writing does.

And I feel a need to express something that I don't think everyone feels, or understands. Because if they did, they would need to -- express it as well.

I know this ain't good. It's not supposed to be. I just want to open the door! -- and to remind myself of what, more fully every day, I believe I was sent here for.

-- I made a New Year's Resolution to read a book a week this year. I have never read 52 book in a year. I plan to mostly read shorter-ish books. Most recent was On the Road, which affected me. I'm now reading A Game of Thrones, which is unexpectedly transporting me to another beautiful world. The most emotional thus far, and perhaps the best, I think I'd have to say, is The Perks of Being a Wallflower -- a book that many told me to read when I was in high school, but that I think I am very glad that I did not read until more recently, as I don't think I really would have understood it at all back then. It moved me now. It changed me.

I don't know, I'm in a weird place right now. But not exactly a bad place. I have Trent still, of course, obviously, if I hadn't spoken of it till now. He's the wonderful constant in my life at this point, the one thing that keeps me going off the borderline(-or-so-I-may-think-I-am) edge of insanity and incorrigibility. We have our random troubles, but it's... the best thing. And it keeps me going, a lot of the time that I might not otherwise have been able to cope.

I'm still really depressed. At times. Trent's the kinda guy that I have to hide it from, because it reminds him of his dad, who killed himself because of depression -- and I'm not sure Trent has ever forgiven himself for what he never actually did apropos his father. But that helps me, because I don't normally hide it from anyone, and that has led me to some dark places in the past. With Trent, I feel that he makes me a better person. I still have some remarkable problems, but they are far less unmanageable when I know he's here.

But I'm still depressed. Mostly about --

That's really not for today. That's really not for right now. I just wanted to open the door. Poke the monkey on my arm. Tuh-tuh!

Anyone who still read this -- let me know. :-) I have been unresponsive as of late, but I would relish the opportunity to remedy that. If I know you, then you have certainly helped ensure that I am still here to write this entry today. Years later than my last. To continue the story of my life.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.