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Sunday, April 7th, 2013

Subject:The Password
Time:2:48 am.
I also just realized, while looking through the last few entries to this journal, that I did not mention the passing of one of the most important characters in my life recently.

My parents adopted a dog that nearby neighbors did not really want, about 3 years ago. He seemed to have been neglected, and didn't trust anyone, and was sometimes aggressive toward people. This was in 2009, I believe. He was roughly 1 year 3 months old. A beautiful brown lab/Vizsla mix.

I spent a lot of time in the next couple years at my parents' house, due to previously-discussed instances. I bonded with Poh in a great way. He was magnificent at playing fetch, he could do it for hours, if only I could stay interested long enough for him. He changed so much in less than two years, became a part of the family, and started to become, perhaps, a "favorite" dog of mine.

In 2011, we discovered he had a rare, fast-growing cancer that gave him a month to live. This was December 19 or so. Then on December 20, my dad called me to tell me that Poh wouldn't make it as long as they said he would. We were going to have to take him in the next day, and that would be that. I went and visited him that night, before the big day, then went back to Trent and my life in less-west Dallas suburbs. The next day, I called my dad, bawling, at work, telling him I needed to be there, I couldn't let Poh go through this without me, without all of his family beside him.

So I left work early that day, came home, talked to Poh while he panted and looked around uncertain as to why we looked so glum. But maybe he understood. My mom, tearfully, told me how Poh had, earlier that day, walked slowly outside, lain down on the grass in the early Texas winter, cool and windy, and had just watched the world, enjoyed his home one last time; and he got up a few times, and walked 10 yards or so, and would plop right back down and enjoy the look of his home from a slightly different angle. He knew. And it's not fair.

I was there when we took him to the vet. I was there when the doctor came in and we had to get Poh up on the table. I was there, I was the one holding Poh, my father let me and respected me enough to allow me the honor to see Poh off, I was there when Poh's eyes remained open but his body stilled and the life, in a way that I could never have previously explained, went out of his eyes.

It made me think of Harry Potter, of seeing death and how it can change you. Holding Poh while he died changed me. It was the bravest thing I have ever done. I did it to allow him to be near all of his people, his humans, his family, those that cared and loved for him and brought him a happiness he likely never thought he would know. And I'm glad I got to. Although I sit here bawling. Bawling.

I miss him so much.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Quarter-Life Crisis
Time:2:25 am.
Mood: contemplative.
Hey y'all. :-)

;-)

I'm not gonna lie. I'm a tad drunk still, and maybe a little something-else. But I was writing randomly in a Word document, thinking inwardly about being successful with art, either music or writing -- though I think anyone that knows me would have to agree that, although music has consistently been a forte and gift of mine, my real passion is words. Which is mostly stupid, since I'm not nearly as great of a writer as I am a musician (IMHO).

But it doesn't matter much. I'm an introvert, I think a lot about the meaning of life, and the written word just has more immediate presence for me, I understand it in a way that I never understand composed, twenty-seven-track-combined musical scores. They don't make sense to me. But writing does.

And I feel a need to express something that I don't think everyone feels, or understands. Because if they did, they would need to -- express it as well.

I know this ain't good. It's not supposed to be. I just want to open the door! -- and to remind myself of what, more fully every day, I believe I was sent here for.

-- I made a New Year's Resolution to read a book a week this year. I have never read 52 book in a year. I plan to mostly read shorter-ish books. Most recent was On the Road, which affected me. I'm now reading A Game of Thrones, which is unexpectedly transporting me to another beautiful world. The most emotional thus far, and perhaps the best, I think I'd have to say, is The Perks of Being a Wallflower -- a book that many told me to read when I was in high school, but that I think I am very glad that I did not read until more recently, as I don't think I really would have understood it at all back then. It moved me now. It changed me.

I don't know, I'm in a weird place right now. But not exactly a bad place. I have Trent still, of course, obviously, if I hadn't spoken of it till now. He's the wonderful constant in my life at this point, the one thing that keeps me going off the borderline(-or-so-I-may-think-I-am) edge of insanity and incorrigibility. We have our random troubles, but it's... the best thing. And it keeps me going, a lot of the time that I might not otherwise have been able to cope.

I'm still really depressed. At times. Trent's the kinda guy that I have to hide it from, because it reminds him of his dad, who killed himself because of depression -- and I'm not sure Trent has ever forgiven himself for what he never actually did apropos his father. But that helps me, because I don't normally hide it from anyone, and that has led me to some dark places in the past. With Trent, I feel that he makes me a better person. I still have some remarkable problems, but they are far less unmanageable when I know he's here.

But I'm still depressed. Mostly about --

That's really not for today. That's really not for right now. I just wanted to open the door. Poke the monkey on my arm. Tuh-tuh!

Anyone who still read this -- let me know. :-) I have been unresponsive as of late, but I would relish the opportunity to remedy that. If I know you, then you have certainly helped ensure that I am still here to write this entry today. Years later than my last. To continue the story of my life.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Subject:The Beginning of the End (of the Beginning)
Time:4:15 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
So, yeah, it's been awhile.

I think I'm gonna start a new journal, maybe... Doesn't really feel like I should use this one anymore. Not that I don't have a lot of the same problems, issues, concerns, interests and feelings that I had years back -- but I'm certainly at a different point in my life now. I think it would be best to leave this journal intact (for nostalgia and such), but equally important for it to remain as it is, rather than diluting it with thoughts from the current that feel very detached from the years covered in this journal.

I'm still with Trent, and it's going great -- two years on June(teenth) 19th! Every day I'm reminded of why I love him, and new ways and reasons in/for which to do so. I'm still drudging through undergrad; it's easy as fuck, and tedious as fuck, and I'm not learning that much, though there is still good that has come from this experience. I'm currently not working, mostly just smoking (left?), watching TV, playing some WoW (yeah, I do that now), and sitting on my ass wondering about my future. And that's mainly what prompted me to finally post again: I'm at a pretty serious crossroads (in my mind... lol) regarding... what I want.... to..... do, with my life.

But that's seriously for another post, in another journal (and the further I get in this post, the more certain I am that a new journal will begin). So many memories in here... so many memories just in the posting page...

Rest in peace, lonelygayguy. But only rest -- never die.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

Subject:So
Time:1:16 am.
I'm in love.

I don't really wanna say that yet, 'cause I met the guy on Friday night. But we also just spent 28 consecutive hours together, and it was fucking amazing. It's different from every guy I've ever been with, ever been interested in.

It's just amazing.

And he loves me. He won't say it yet, 'cause he knows it's too soon too, but he's in love with me. And I'm in love with him.

His name is Trent. And this is the guy.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, March 23rd, 2007

Subject:Green Has No Relation
Time:10:10 pm.
Mood: depressed.
(I.) So someone wanted an update. Here is your update:

Been working at Barnes & Noble since mid-November. Best job I've ever had, great place to work.

Hadn't been depressed since approximately last April or May -- "depressed" meaning for more than a few days.

Brother was home for Spring Break last week, as was best friend. It was fun.

Now deperessed. For numerous reasons, the most potent of which is that my brother is gone, which is extraordinarily odd because it's never been a source of depression previously.

And that, my friends and lack-of-anyone-reading-this-anyway, is your update. (5)
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, February 19th, 2007

Subject:Detrás de Park
Time:2:27 am.
Mood: pissed off.
(I.) So here's the thing. I was expelled from Washington University in St. Louis, for supposed activities regarding marijuana. And this happened back in October/November. I don't wanna get into it in detail here, or anywhere, right now, because it is still possible that I could be prosecuted by St. Louis County. When that is all over, I will (a) explain it all here and (b) sue Wash U for their complete ineptitude in dealing with this matter.

Let's put it this way. Everyone reading this that knows me at all knows what I am and am not capable of, given my chronic depression and relatively severe social anxiety. So. I was expelled for things I don't wanna get into. But you know what I would and would not have done and/or would have been able to do. However, there was a marijuana dealer involved in this, in the same situation that I was in. A dealer, mind you. And the school knew he was a dealer. And get this, 'cause this is just fucking fantastic: he ADMITTED to having purchased 12 OUNCES, not eighths, not quarters, but ounces, of marijuana; and the school police (who are actually real police) found seven to eight ounces of marijuana in his room, which he admitted was his. And yet in spite of this information, the school decided that I was the bigger threat, the more important character in this obscene play, that needed to be expelled. And this dealer, this dealer that was caught with about eight ounces and admitted to purchasing 12, was suspended. 'Cause, ya know, there's totally a sensible reason to have 12 ounces of marijuana -- I mean, you know, despite the fact that if you smoked it consecutievly, and were high day and night, you couldn't finish it before it went bad and lost its THC or whatever. He had 12 ounces of marijuana, but he clearly wasn't a more important dealer than me.

I mean... w...t...f... you know? (ab. 12)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

Subject:Kool-Aid?
Time:1:51 am.
(I.) Yeah, I'm drunk again. So whaT/

WOW. I cannot type. (And niether did I mean to spell wowo all caps. yeah.) (1)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, November 20th, 2006

Subject:The Woman in the Big Box
Time:4:37 pm.
Mood: sad.
(I.) We had arguments, as I have with everyone in my family, but there was always something special between me and Grandma O.

You have no idea how much I will forever love you. (2)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, November 15th, 2006

Subject:Not the Porn System (xxx)
Time:10:41 am.
(I.) So, as of about 5pm yesterday, I am in line at Best Buy, with a tent and all my necessaries, waiting for a PS3. Crazy? Kinda. However, I'm getting one for myself, and my friend is going to get one as well, and I will pay for it, so I can put it on eBay and sell it for like $5.2 billion (maybe slightly less).

Trust me, it's awesomely fun. (2)
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, November 12th, 2006

Subject:Ducks Fucking Everywhere
Time:3:34 am.
Mood: drunk.
(I.) Yeah, I'm drunk. So what? (0)
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, October 21st, 2006

Subject:The Summer Color
Time:12:48 am.
Mood: blank.
(I.) I challenge anyone to give me one example of how marijuana is worse than alcohol. Just give me one example. If you do, I guarantee you I can validly refute it, but I honestly want someone to try. Because I can't think of one. (Because there are none.) (5)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, May 6th, 2006

Subject:"This is Where I Stand," He Sings
Time:8:19 am.
Mood:nothin.
(I.) Someone help me. (1)
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, April 7th, 2006

Subject:Omo-Sek-Soo-All
Time:9:05 pm.
Mood: anxious.
(I.) 1. How Old Were You When You Knew You Were Gay? By the end of 8th grade, I knew for sure. Obviously, as for almost all gay guys, I remember things back to like.. maybe 6 or 7 years old... when I did things or thought things that totally shoulda told me I was gay. But I never really realized until 8th grade.

2. Have You Ever Had Sex With The Opposite Sex? No. Thankfully.

3. Who Is The First Person You Came Out To? My first and only girlfriend (after we broke up), Lauren.

4. Are You Out To Your Parents? Yeah. They're totally fine with it. (I mean, I don't feel like my dad is insanely comfortable with it, but he definitely supports me.)

5. Do You Want Children? Yeah. I'd really rather have biological children, but I don't see that happening, so I've been slowly coming around to the idea of adoption.

6. Do You Have More Gay Friends or Straight Friends? Definitely more straight. The majority of gay people kind of annoy me.

7. Were You Out in School? Came out totally December 6, 2001, sophomore year of high school.

8. Is Your Best Friend The Same Sex As You? Nope.

9. If Your Best Friend Is The Same Sex, have you ever had sex with them? Most definitely N/A.

10. Have you ever done crystal meth? Nope, and I don't believe I ever plan to. I think weed is the hardest drug I'd really ever wanna do (and have done).

11. Have You Ever Been In A Sling? No. Don't wanna (well... I mean... Danny... whatever).

12. Have You Ever Dressed In Drag? No.

13. Would you date a Drag queen? No.

14. Are You A Top/Bottom or truly Versatile? It seems like the question is asking, "Do you lean toward one or the other, or are you truly versatile?," in which case I would definitely have to say bottom.

15. Have You Seen An Uncircumsized Penis? In real life, no.

16. Have You Had Sex With Someone of A Different Race? No. I've semi-recently begun to have this thing for certain Japanese-Americans, but all of them that I think are hot are far too hot to wanna have sex with me.

18. How Many Cher CDs do you own? Zero. And it will stay that way.

19. Name Of Your First True Love? Danny. Duh. Anyone who's read this journal for any decent amount of time could answer that in a second.

20. Do You Still Talk To them? No. It wasn't that kind of love, and we were never insanely good friends (situational friends, I call it). But we're friends on FaceBook and such.

21. Does Size Matter? Everyone tries to be PC and say no, and I'm sorry, but of course it does.

22. Biggest Turn On? Definitely, definitely, that V-muscle at the bottom of the stomach area, above the crotchal area.

23. Biggest Turn Off? Fat guys? I don't know. No. Golden showers. So disgusting.

24. Ever Been Harassed Because You Are Gay? Sure. Nothing insane, though. Never been beat up or anything.

25. Worst Gay Stereotype That Applies To You? When I get really drunk or am with any of the very few people that I feel insanely comfortable with, I can get the slightest bit flamboyant (that's a bad word to use, though, 'cause it's not really flamboyance, it's just... gay-acting-ness... of a sort...).

26. Ever Been To A Pride Rally? Definitely not. Not a big fan, at all.

27. Would You Marry If You Could? Of course.

28. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful? Honestly, I'd really rather be rich and smart. Totally not a good gay answer, but deal.

29. Do You Sculpt Your Eyebrows? No. I've been told more than once that I should, but fuck that. I'm not that gay.

30. Do You Trim Your Body? Partly.

31. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day? I've barely had sex with more than one person ever.

33. Have you dated your best friends ex? No.

34. Would you vote for Hillary Clinton if she ran for president? Well, thank God, there's really no way she'll get the nomination anymore, since everybody has finally realized what a fucking bitch she is. So yeah, definitely not.

35. Do you want monogamy in your relationships? Yeah.

36. Do you believe in true love? Of course. What kinda question is that?

37. Do you have any tattoos? Yes. The evil monkey is on the bottom of my left shoulder. ... Seriously.

38. Do you have any piercings? I've thought about one on my left ear, but I think I'd look way too gay. If I were drunk, I could probably be talked into it.

39. Would you date a smoker? Yeah. I have.

41. Do you know anyone who has died from H.I.V.? Nope.

42. Do you know what Stonewall was? No.

43. Wonder Woman, Xena or The Halliwell Sisters? Don't know the last one. Answer: None of them.

44. Strangest place you have had sex? Basement of a guy's house while his family was asleep upstairs.

45. Strangest place you've woken up? Probably a friend's house, when I forgot I was there. I don't know.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you? Honestly, probably behind me.

47. Favorite porn movie? Easy, easy question. Schoolboy Crush.

48. Are you in love now? Yeah, probably. Derek. Obviously a straight guy.

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy/girl? Ha. Yes. At least two guys, probably three or four. No, probably three.

50. Did you ever have sex with them? Jesus Christ, how incredible that would be. So no. God wouldn't let me have such fun.

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach? No.

52. Have you ever been to a bath house? No.

53. Ever had sex in public? Nope. (19)
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, July 28th, 2005

Subject:Inuyasha
Time:2:59 am.
Mood: happy.
(I.) Oh. By the way (btw), I have a boyfriend now. Yeah. That Matt guy I've talked about. He asked me last night. It was fun. (2)
Comments: Read 8 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

Subject:Things Must End as They Begin
Time:3:50 pm.
Mood: mellow.
(I.) I just watched the last episode ever of one of my favorite shows ever, Queer as Folk.

Bittersweet is the perfect word. (2)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, July 25th, 2005

Subject:They Didn't Get Rid of the Pretzels!
Time:12:06 am.
Mood: ecstatic.
6:00pm. So I'm sitting here, in an airplane from Columbus, Ohio, to DFW. I went to Columbus yesterday to visit my grandmother today, 'cause she's in the hospital, 'cause she had another heart attack, in addition to the stroke earlier this year. And now I'm flying back, and I was sitting here peacefully listening to "Heavens Dead" by Audioslave, and I suddenly got a huge urge to write in LJ. And, obviously, since I don't have access to LJ at the current moment, I decided to just type in Microsoft Word and copy&paste it in LJ later.

(I.) In any case, one thing I've noticed about myself that's really quite strange, is that, whenever I travel anymore, (that is, whenever I fly), I always get really sad, almost to the point of depression, a few hours before the flight. And I have absolutely no idea why. Obviously it's something I wish wouldn't happen, but I think it sorta stems from (and just saying this obviously contradicts my comment of not having any clue as to why this happens, but oh well) earlier this year, in the Spring semester, when I came home almost every weekend for a time, because I was so depressed and such. And I was used to feeling depressed all the time, and I felt depressed every time I flew, 'cause that's why I was flying. And it's really quite annoying and unhappy, but I suppose I'll deal.

So, the reason I isolated myself from the world was because Matt picked the other guy. If I haven't explained it yet, Matt is a guy I like, but he likes both me and another guy, and he ended up picking this other guy… three days ago, I think. But then I talked to him last night, for one hour, fifty-four minutes and thirteen seconds, on the phone. That's an extremely fucking long time. But we discussed a lot, and had some really in-depth conversation, and I came out of the conversation extraordinarily happier than I was going into it. This is partially because we sorta decided together that a good thing for him to try out would be to have an open relationship, rather than a single boyfriend. Because it's too much stress for him that way, and it's also too stressful having to decide between both of us, and this way he can pick me. =) Which makes me extremely happy, once again. I don't really know what I'm saying right now, I'm just kinda rambling on. Actually, because I'm just rambling on, and because I'm in a rambling-on mood right now, I think it'd be best if I just stop typing right now, and just go back to enjoying my music for the last few minutes before the captain tells the flight attendants to "prepare for landing." Ta. (10) 6:10pm (3)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, July 21st, 2005

Time:10:28 am.
Mood:dead.
(I.) I've turned off iChat (Mac's AIM program), I've turned off my phone. I've isolated myself from the world, and I don't know if or when I will return. As I say goodbye, I part with my favorite lyrics of all time:

"The clouds will part and the sky cracks open
And God Himself will reach his fucking arm through
Just to push you down, just to hold you down"
Nine Inch Nails, "The Wretched" (3)
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, July 6th, 2005

Subject:I Decide It, and Then Ben Goes and Does It
Time:9:42 am.
Mood: awake.
(I.) So I'm up at 9:30 in the morning, from yesterday still, and I think I'm finally gonna sit down and type out as much as I can remember (/want to) about what's gone on in my life since... oh, say, spring break to the present.

Really the only thing I ever think about anymore when I think about last semester is how utterly depressed I was for two-and-a-half months, and Gabe. I just skimmed my entries since January, and I didn't see anything about Gabe, so even if I talked about him, I'm gonna just assume I didn't and start from there. So... Gabe was another January scholar, like me, but we never hung out in the fall. He ended up being in my Calc III class, and we started eating lunch at Subway every day, and become pretty damn good friends. According to him, we hung out more than he hung out with anyone else that semester. When the depression started kicking in, I started annoying him, at least a little bit, I'm pretty sure. And it got worse and worse and worse, until it got worst. One night, when I was having an anxiety attack (I'm pretty sure I've discussed how I see the difference between those and panic attacks before), I was talking to Gabe outside his dorm, and I sorta screamed out that I liked him. Which is understandable, if you know me, since I have a thing for straight guys. And he was weirded out, as always. But he said he wouldn't let it affect our friendship adversely. The depression continued to get worse, and I started being a general asshole to him, only caring about making myself feel better (which again is understandable in a way, since I desperately wanted out of my all-consuming depression). Things ended not unbelievably well between us, and I was really really unhappy going away from him. To be honest with myself, I probably fell in love with him. He would be the second, after the infamous Danny. Recently, we were talking online, and, long story short, he essentially said that our relationship is kinda forever fucked up, 'cause I did some terrible things last semester. Plus the whole me-liking-him thing freaked him out, I know. So I am not feeling happy about this currently.

I'm a waiter this summer at a family-owned Italian restaurant called Bari's, through which I am making acceptable money. It's a significantly better and less depressing job than Souper Salad was last summer and fall.

I've recently met two guys on FaceBook that are freshman at a summer program at my school. Both gay, both at least relatively attractive, both into me (as much as one can be over the internet). There is sexual and relationship potential with both of these guys, and -- get this -- I actually have to choose between two guys. Who would have ever thought that would happen? But yeah, I'm sorta looking forward to going back to school now, with the potential for happiness arising.

I was second in line for Star Wars, having gotten there at 6:30 in the morning the day before it opened, which was fun. Batman Begins was an unbelievable movie, with Christian Bale being a perfect Batman, and proving once again that Christopher Nolan is unable to make a movie that isn't at least really good.

I am extremely excited with the impending release of the sixth Harry Potter book.

I really really think I'm borderline. For reasons that I'm not in the mood to discuss at this moment.

I can't think of anything else at the moment... (18)
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, June 27th, 2005

Subject:Bengabe
Time:3:57 am.
Mood:insanely depressed.
(I.) Someone IM me on [removed for privacy reasons] -- I'm cutting myself and am a tad unhappy at the current moment.

Note: This is a cry for help. (1)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, April 20th, 2005

Subject:Allusions to Robert Frost
Time:6:27 am.
Mood: happy.
(I.) It's times like this that I see the beauty in the world. I am listening to "My Old Man," the last song on Lemon Parade, an album by a great band named Tonic. You know them from the relatively big hit "If You Could Only See," or the song from the American Pie soundtrack, "You Wanted More." This is one of my favorite songs by them. No, scratch that. This is my favorite song by them. It strikes a chord personally with me, lyrically, but more importantly, the music is unbelievable. It's beautiful. It's hard, or rather, impossible, to explain. Obviously. It's just a beautiful song. And there's a point in the song, where a relatively short guitar solo occurs, and at the very beginning of that, just before the first beat of the second measure, there's one note that just sings out from the others so perfectly, and it's just beautiful. It makes me understanding the goodness in this world. So much of my life has been taken from me, spent mulling over everything bad about life. And then something happens--more often than not, it's me listening to a particular song, that just hits me. And I realize the fantastic things that this world can create. Something happens to me sometimes when I have a hypomanic episode, when I feel like all my problems are nonexistent, and everything is perfect. This is different. I still have a grasp on my problems, and I don't think they aren't a problem. But right now I feel like I could make more of my life by realizing these good things. And it's a wonderful thing, albeit one exceedingly difficult to explain. I don't update this much anymore, and I thought I'd add a note of happiness to this generally sad place. (10)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

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